Dear Taco Del Mar Ladies' Toilet,
You're such a happy toilet. Always clean and well-stocked with a fresh roll of TP, and that pink and green bikini on your door? Too cute. This is why I feel I owe you an apology for the evil and rancid nature of yesterday's deposit.
I'm told I'm erratic, and I think I agree with that. Sometimes--without even noticing it actually--I do silly things. Things like consuming dill pickles and sugar-free Monster Energy drink exclusively until I'm back down to my birth weight. I'd tell you what happens to a colon when a case of sugar-free Monster Energy drink mingles with six jars of pickles and marinates three days, but...you already know.
I offer my sincerest apology. It can't have been a pleasurable experience for you, and I do appreciate your effort. I'll forward my positive impressions of your work ethic to the good people at the Sedona Sewage Treatment Facility. An apology is owed to them as well. I'd send a violent missive to the makers of Monster Energy drink, but really, what else can one expect from a product with the words "Unleash the Beast" printed upon on its exterior?