Thursday, May 28, 2009

To the Copper who Pulled me Over in the Rain

Dear Copper,

To start, I back the blue. Let's just get that out of the way. I appreciate the valuable services you provide our communities with. You put your life on the line so that our society may run like a well-oiled, faceless, mind-controlling automaton, and that's noble, dammit. Not to mention, few things are as aesthetically pleasing as a man or bulldyke in uniform. So there you have it. I like you. You're great.

But, one does wonder how it is that you never seem to be in the right place at the right time.

Take a few Wednesdays ago, for instance, when my flirtations with the scary barkeep at the Hideaway put me at six Ales past my limit, and I decorated the floor of Sedona Liquors with a bottle of Chardonnay (not mine), and then drove home. Where were you? I was breaking the law, sir, and flagrantly. I may as well have ghost ridden my whip up 89A.

Then there's that scene, two days ago: you pulling me over in the rain.

I agree with you, I was definitely driving in the turning lane. I am not arguing that point. I was sober, and I was driving down 89A in the turning lane, for sure. I also agree with you, that cars have two lanes to drive within, the right and left, and that should be enough. There's no need to drive down the middle of the street.

But--as we figured out through an open dialog--I was in the turning lane because I was turning. To my knowledge, I was not aware of a law against turning left. That's all I was trying to do. I was trying to turn left into the Giant gas station, in order to pick up a few cans of sugar free Monster energy drink.

I did note your embarrassment, and I think it's unnecessary. I don't think you should judge yourself too harshly. This shit happens. I've vented now, and I think we should totally be friends. I'll even give you a tip: I'm pretty sure the barkeep at the Hideaway is a half human/half alien hybrid. You should go check his papers. They can't be coming here, stealing our medical services and not paying taxes. They have their own planet for that sort of thing.

You're welcome,

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