Friday, April 30, 2010

Dear Arizona

I'd like to write to you and tell you how much I like your new immigration policy. I like it; I like it a lot. I think its a totally way-to-go, pat-on-back week for you.

Last Saturday, I was remarking to my gentleman friend, as I drove us both in two tons of steel at breakneck speeds in a dark, residential neighborhood, with a BAC in the point twosies, "Friend (whatever your name is) why aren't there more stringent immigration policies in Arizona?"

He didn't answer me because he was heaving a mass of cocaine up his left nostril with a car key. I went on anyway, because I am so amusing to me and myself.

"You know, it's really a shame that there isn't more racial profiling in Arizona. It's a shame. It's a sha-ame...the way ya mess around with my heart...oh, it's a sha-ame..."

Then I swerved to avoid a raccoon that was a figment of my medicated imagination and took a big swig of cuervo from the sugar-free Monster Energy Drink can in the cup holder.

"I don't know," said my friend, an illegal alien from Canada (they come from there, too!) He passed me a key full of happy powder and remarked, "I guess they're not serious about crime."

"I guess not. It's sad."

Well, the happy powder kicked in, and I hit the gas. My alien buddy turned on the radio, and we sang along to ACDC while I swerved in and out of the road--because giving hand jobs while driving is some difficult shit--and I won't say where we were headed, but we might have been headed to a "vortex" to perform risky sex acts that are illegal in southeastern states, because I have decided that not enough people who live in Sedona have crabs.

Anyway. It was about this time Sedona police pulled over my cleaning lady, a nice lady named Martina who was on her way home from one of the three, low-paying jobs she works without complaint. When she isn't working she likes to bake cookies for people and donate her time to her church. It doesn't matter how many times I leave "The God Delusion" next to her paycheck, she just won't give up on humanity like us cool people have. It's silly, really.

She was doing an audacious 29 in a 25!

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm so glad you nabbed that darky--a 29 in a 25 type darky--and now that you've passed a super cool new immigration law allowing you to pull over any darky you want who looks "suspicious" or rather "Mexican" (THEY'RE ALL UP TO NO GOOD!) I am more confident than ever in Arizona and in the mentally ill policemen and women who "serve" the city of Sedona, instead of doing something about their bipolar and/or daddy issues.

In summation, I say congratulations to you, Arizona. I know it was a difficult policy to pass. I like to think, at times like these, when almost nothing hangs in the balance: "What would Hitler do?" Its so important to not focus on what white people are up to. Though wallstreet's rape of our government coffers may be malthusian in scope, there are like twenty antisocial darkies without papers in Arizona, and that shit comes first!

Humbly,
E.