Saturday, June 26, 2010

Dear Sedona: RE a shocking rumor!

Dearest Sedona,

I have heard a nasty—and I hope, fallacious—rumor about certain behaviors, outbursts and such directed at members of the Sedona Police Department, and I find these rumors, if true, to represent actions so scandalous I feel I must write to you and tell you how disappointed I am.

Did anything naughty as of late? Did you...maybe throw some stuff at some people or something like that?

Wait, I'm beating around this bush, and I hate that. Everyone knows you can't beat around the bush because the clit is smack in the middle of the bush, and so, if you're going to beat around the bush, you're not going to bring her to orgasm and she won't be returning the favor. Therefore, I'm going to beat the bean in the middle of that bush.

Let me ask you this: Did you throw rocks at the Sedona PD? Did you verbally harass our boys and bulldykes in blue?

You did?

Shame. On. You.

Now let me humble you with another series of questions:

How could you possibly justify the maltreatment of our police men and women when you know they seek only to serve the community as best as possible in the following ways:

1) Pulling over people for making left turns,
2) Illegally searching vehicles,
3) Ticketing upstanding vacationers for driving at 29 miles per hour in 25 miles per hour speed limit zones,
4) Harassing vacationers at trailheads and vortexes,
5) Ensuring by means of cocksuckery and douchebaggery that any vacationer who dares to come here and make a left turn, or do two to three miles over the speed limit, or make a lane change without signaling will never spend another dollar here again,
6) Looking the other way while drug deals are made ON THE BAR at local bars,
7) ...While simultaneously ignoring the epidemic use of prescription drugs by our older populace for their "Restless Leg Syndromes," "Bulging Discs," and "Fibromy-givemedrugs-a,"
8) Following kids home from head shops in which they buy pipes in order to smoke a medicinal plant that doctors prescribe--because it is both more effective and less corrosive to the body than the "Fibromy-givemedrugs-a" type drugs. (FYI--Studies also show this plant is significantly less dangerous than alcohol, so way to go, guys. Oh, screw science! That shit is useless, right?)
9) Writing down the addresses and license plates of these kids so that they may return to the address or vehicle of the "scene of no crime" a day later with the narcotic sniffing dog they've trained to be obsessive about or full-on addicted to drugs, and that abused creature may pick up the scent of the almost totally harmless plant, earning the cop a bust, an ego-boost, some props, a picture in the paper, and good press. A kid's life is ruined, of course, because he had in his possession a plant that's also referred to as a medicine, but whatever. It's good press and props, and men with small penises need props as much as miffed lesbians.
10) Abusing dogs, and yet, ticketing other people for allowing their dogs--dogs they probably don't hook on drugs--to bark twice when a stranger nears their property.
11) Bullying, harassing, narcissistically-annihilating, allowing rich, manslaughtering con-artists to leave the state, arresting people for DUI for sleeping in the passenger side seats of their parked cars, enforcing Hitleresque racial profiling policies, threatening, frightening, openly draining resources without justification, and just basically doing anything but serving the people of Sedona.

I mean, honestly. How could you throw things at them? And can you invite me to your next "toss-shit-at-the-cops" party? I'll bring some lead pipes. Can you make molotovs in empty sugar-free Monster Energy Drink cans? If so, I have about six thou. Hit me up with an invite and they're yours, free of charge.

Four dead in O-hi-o!
E. Rider

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